Twelve Things To Do if a Loved One Has a Problem with Alcohol or Drugs

1. Do not preach, nag, threaten, or lecture the person. They already feel bad about their behaviors and will only become defensive if confronted. Express concern that you worry about the consequences for them, and about how your life is affected by their behaviors.
(“I love you and it’s hard to see you struggle like this, I get so sad”)

2. Bargaining to get them to quit is not effective. (”If you quit, I will…”) As soon as life events happen and we disappoint them, they then have reason to not keep their end of the bargain. Try asking them how you might help them through their next struggle to stay clean and sober.

3. Disposing of their substances will only create the challenge to get more. Tell them in clear language that you do not accept this behavior. You can then suggest they dispose of it with you present or they can take it away while you watch.

4. Threats do not work. You do not have to put up with their addictive behaviors. Let them know that they will experience the natural consequences of their behavior choices; Begin by asking them to leave until they are sober and that they are welcome to return when they are ready to begin positive change. You must be prepared to take this action if they choose to use again. Calling authorities may be necessary to have them removed and/or to protect you and any children involved.

5. Get support for yourself and family members. There are several self-help support groups available (Al-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous, church groups, etc), as well as professional counseling. This is not a family disgrace; it is a challenge for all to find a healthy way to live.

6. Drinking with or using with an addict will only send the message that you approve of their behaviors. Allowing them to use in your presence sends the same message. If they chose to drink or use, insist they leave and do it elsewhere, or be prepared to leave yourself.

7. You cannot do for the alcoholic what they must do for themselves. They must be the one saying “no” when faced with a drinking or using situation. Your job is to respond positively when they make positive choices. You can’t do it for them, give it up, already!

8. Remember, he or she is not a bad person. They have just made some poor life choices resulting in their addiction. Their willpower alone will not get them through this. They need your love and genuine support, and of course their need to take positive action to get and use good help.

9. Recovery takes time. They did not get that way in four weeks; they will not heal in four weeks. Recovery works over time, measure their progress, reward their efforts, and remember they do not have to do it perfectly.

10. Allow the addict to have his or her own recovery program. This will include many new friends, evenings out to attend support groups (AA, NA, etc), and time to be alone to meditate and reflect. You can use this time for your own process of change (see #5).

11. Expect change and adapt to it with your loved one. As they become more personally responsible your role as caretaker will diminish. You will be assuming a new role of support person and no longer have to care for them or do for them. Trust that this will soon begin to feel good to you. Your time is beginning now too.

12. Offer your love and support daily. Understand that they are struggling, and that they too want to get healthy. Realize that there will be times of progress and times of setbacks. Believe in the person, trust in the process, and pray.

Get Ready to Quit Smoking

Smokers often say, "Don't tell me why I should quit, tell me how." Here are some key elements in helping yourself quit smoking successfully.

Making the Decision to Quit

o The decision to quit smoking is one that only you can make. Others may want you to quit, but the real commitment must come from you.
o Researchers have looked into how and why people stop smoking. These are some ideas, or models, of how this happens. The Health Belief Model says that you will be more likely to stop smoking if you:

• Believe that you could get a smoking-related disease and this worries you
• Believe that you can make an honest attempt at quitting smoking
• Believe that the benefits of quitting outweigh the benefits of continuing to smoke

Setting a Quit Date

Once you've made a decision to quit, you're ready to pick a quit date. This is a very important step. Pick a specific day within the next month as your Quit Day. Give yourself enough time to prepare and come up with a plan, and put the plan into motion. Circle the date on your calendar. Make a strong, personal commitment to quit on that day.

Taking Action

There is no one right way to quit. Most smokers prefer to quit "cold turkey," that is abruptly and totally. They smoke until their Quit Day and then stop all at once. Another idea that may help is to smoke fewer cigarettes for a week or two before their Quit Day, then go cold turkey.

It helps to cut back on caffeine and other stimulants (sugar, tea, colas, energy drinks, alcohol, etc.).

Quitting smoking takes a strong commitment and positive action. Here are some steps to help you prepare for your Quit Day:

o Pick the date and mark it on your calendar.
o Tell friends and family of your quit day.
o Stock up on sugarless gum, carrot sticks, etc.
o Decide on a plan. Will you attend a smoking cessation class/hypnosis session? If so, sign up now.
o Practice saying, "No thank you, I don't smoke."
o Set up a support system. This could be a group class, Nicotine Anonymous, or a friend who has successfully quit and is willing to help you.

On your Quit Day, follow these suggestions:

o Do not smoke, Get rid of all cigarettes, lighters, ashtrays, and any other items related to smoking
o Keep active – try walking, exercising, or doing other activities or hobbies
o Drink lots of water
o Attend a stop smoking class, hypnosis session, or follow a self-help plan
o Avoid high-risk situations where the urge to smoke is strong.
o Avoid all alcoholic beverages

Most important – Don’t give up. You can quit, keep trying until you succeed. You’re worth it!!!

Improve Your Communication

Every contact we make with others involves communications skills. Speaking, listening, our attitude, our speech patterns, the words we use, the tone of our voice, our body language, and even the silences, all play a part in how successful our communications are. Practice these time proven techniques to become the powerful communicator that you want to be.

1. Use "I" statements and take responsibility for what you say.

2. Keep the message and the language simple. Speak specifically and personally, and don't try to impress people with verbal gymnastics.

3. Hesitate before speaking or responding. Pause before speaking to be sure of what you want to communicate and be clear on what to say.

4. Body language needs to correspond with your verbal language and tone. Check the tone of your speech (with written communication also), your facial expressions, and mannerisms to be sure they correspond with your message.

5. Listen to the other person and don't respond until they have completed their thought. Don't try to formulate an answer while they're still speaking. Just listen, the answer will come.

6. You don't have to fill every pause. Understand that silence can sometimes play an important part in communication.

7. Hold back when you need to say something if you know that what you need to say might cause tension. But, make sure you ask for a time to share your thoughts when there is enough time to explore the subject in a safe and supportive manner.

8. Don't gloss over things or say something isn't important when it is. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

9. Communication is a two-way process. Share your thoughts and then listen to the other person's response before going on. Make the effort to listen and show your respect for the other person’s thoughts. We all need to be heard.

10. When you don't understand what someone has said, ask for clarification (remember to listen).

11. I don't assume anyone else knows what I'm thinking or feeling unless I tell them.

12. When you have said something out of line or something for which you am sorry, remember we all do that from time to time. Just remember to correct your misstatement, at your first opportunity, and make apologies and amends when necessary.

With good communication skills your relationships will improve, you will feel much less frustration with other people, more projects will get done correctly, you will feel heard and understood, and in charge of your life. Start today, see results by tomorrow.