Twelve Things To Do if a Loved One Has a Problem with Alcohol or Drugs

1. Do not preach, nag, threaten, or lecture the person. They already feel bad about their behaviors and will only become defensive if confronted. Express concern that you worry about the consequences for them, and about how your life is affected by their behaviors.
(“I love you and it’s hard to see you struggle like this, I get so sad”)

2. Bargaining to get them to quit is not effective. (”If you quit, I will…”) As soon as life events happen and we disappoint them, they then have reason to not keep their end of the bargain. Try asking them how you might help them through their next struggle to stay clean and sober.

3. Disposing of their substances will only create the challenge to get more. Tell them in clear language that you do not accept this behavior. You can then suggest they dispose of it with you present or they can take it away while you watch.

4. Threats do not work. You do not have to put up with their addictive behaviors. Let them know that they will experience the natural consequences of their behavior choices; Begin by asking them to leave until they are sober and that they are welcome to return when they are ready to begin positive change. You must be prepared to take this action if they choose to use again. Calling authorities may be necessary to have them removed and/or to protect you and any children involved.

5. Get support for yourself and family members. There are several self-help support groups available (Al-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous, church groups, etc), as well as professional counseling. This is not a family disgrace; it is a challenge for all to find a healthy way to live.

6. Drinking with or using with an addict will only send the message that you approve of their behaviors. Allowing them to use in your presence sends the same message. If they chose to drink or use, insist they leave and do it elsewhere, or be prepared to leave yourself.

7. You cannot do for the alcoholic what they must do for themselves. They must be the one saying “no” when faced with a drinking or using situation. Your job is to respond positively when they make positive choices. You can’t do it for them, give it up, already!

8. Remember, he or she is not a bad person. They have just made some poor life choices resulting in their addiction. Their willpower alone will not get them through this. They need your love and genuine support, and of course their need to take positive action to get and use good help.

9. Recovery takes time. They did not get that way in four weeks; they will not heal in four weeks. Recovery works over time, measure their progress, reward their efforts, and remember they do not have to do it perfectly.

10. Allow the addict to have his or her own recovery program. This will include many new friends, evenings out to attend support groups (AA, NA, etc), and time to be alone to meditate and reflect. You can use this time for your own process of change (see #5).

11. Expect change and adapt to it with your loved one. As they become more personally responsible your role as caretaker will diminish. You will be assuming a new role of support person and no longer have to care for them or do for them. Trust that this will soon begin to feel good to you. Your time is beginning now too.

12. Offer your love and support daily. Understand that they are struggling, and that they too want to get healthy. Realize that there will be times of progress and times of setbacks. Believe in the person, trust in the process, and pray.